The adult children of separating parents
Was on The Late Lunch on LMFM last Friday to talk about ‘When a relationship ends – overcoming the emotional rollercoaster of separation’ which was published last November. Separation is such a complex issue to discuss in such a short time and anyone who has gone through it will say it takes a lot longer to get over than they thought possible. Although I have done a number of interviews on the topic, this interview was different because it touched on the experience of the adult child/children of separated parents.
These ‘children’ may be aware that their parents aren’t getting along (or maybe not) but somehow the news of the split can be devastating to them. What does seem common enough is the sense of having to take sides and avoiding conversations about what is going on with the other parent to which they may be privy. What also tends to be part of the territory is becoming a confidante to one or both parents as they are working through their grief and ordinarily, this might be seen as providing support and understanding to a family member in difficulty. However, the grief of the child, adult or not, can go underground as attention is focussed on the separating parents.
Many adult children whose parents have separated recall that initial time afterwards as very confusing – rushing in to help, being available 24/7, trying to reconcile their parents in some cases and becoming a type of mediator, or feeling under pressure to ‘talk sense’ into one or both. The amount of energy that is taken up into caring for someone and witnessing their pain means that the child’s own grief can be ignored until something happens, like getting depressed themselves, or having panic attacks, getting sick or even their own relationship becoming adversely affected.
If you are an adult child of a separated couple, you have a right to grieve for what has happened. Although you are still a family, the way it works has now changed. As a separated couple, your parents may compete for your company, your support and your advice and you may find yourself torn. It can become overwhelming and your desire may then be to withdraw totally. Please remember your parents are adults and they will adapt – it is not your responsibility to make it better. You have a right to love both, support both and spend time with both as you wish. And even if you feel it is better that they separate, it’s still okay to be cut up about it, because it is your grief too.
Submitted by: Lisa O’Hara, Relationship Counsellor and author of ‘When a relationship ends – overcoming the emotional rollercoaster of separation