Relationships Ireland

Is it Time to Break Up?

Our Relationship is Not Working – Is it Time for Us to Break Up?

• Sometimes a couple decides to go to relationship counselling to find out if they should break up. Your relationship counsellor can help you to answer key questions about your relationship which can help you to determine whether it is worth saving.
• Relationship counseling can give you and your partner the opportunity to talk to an outside, unbiased party to help you to determine if there is anything left to salvage in your relationship.
• If you decide to break up, your relationship counsellor can help you negotiate important separation issues like financial division, living arrangements, and parental responsibility.
• A Healthy Breakup is very valuable. Often we blunder through breakups and do not really understand what our role in the split was or why the relationship did not work. We can be helped emotionally by working with a couples counsellor through the ending of a relationship. This can also assist us in moving on to healthier relationships in our future.

Key Questions Your Relationship Counsellor May Ask

1. Do you and your partner wish to salvage your relationship? For a couple to thrive both individuals must be prepared to invest the time and effort needed to make their relationship work. No matter how hard we try, if only one person in the couple wants to save the relationship, then it probably will not work. We cannot force another person to be in love with us or want to be with us.

2. What are the issues that are causing the problems and why are they problems? Issues such as poor communication, differing expectations, and life events or experiences can all impact upon relationship problems [O’Hara, L. (2011). When a Relationship Ends: Surviving the Emotional Roller-Coaster of Separation. Dublin: Orpen Press]. Developing better and healthier communication skills can make a great improvement to a relationship that initially looks as if there is nothing left to save.

3. Can you accept your partner as they are and for whom they are, in this moment? Often problems within relationships can arise when we try to control our partner’s behaviours and want them to be different from whom they are. If you regularly find yourself feeling dissatisfied with your partner’s behaviour and are frequently telling them how they should behave, you are probably creating feelings of disdain towards your partner which will leave him or her feeling argumentative, insecure, and disliked by you. It is acceptable to ask your partner to make some changes in their behaviour for you but a healthy relationship needs a basic ethos of love and acceptance of one another.

4. What do you hope to achieve in the therapy process? Figuring out your goals for therapy can take several sessions. Discussing your personal values with your relationship counsellor and partner and answering the above key questions will all help you to develop an idea of what it is you want out of therapy.

What Happens if We Cannot Resolve our Problems?

If you and your partner decide that you do not want to save your relationship, then the counsellor will help you to negotiate how to separate and end your relationship in the healthiest and most good-natured way possible. How a relationship ends is very important as it can strongly affect how well and easily we are able to recover from the relationship and how difficult it is for us to move forward into a new relationship. For couples who were in a romantic relationship and have been together for several years, ending the relationship can be a long and difficult process [O’Hara, L. (2011). When a Relationship Ends: Surviving the Emotional Roller-Coaster of Separation. Dublin: Orpen Press.].

• When there are children involved, you and your ex-partner must also face reaching an agreement as to how to share parenting and childcare arrangements. Finding the best way to let your children know about the break-up is also an important issue to take time to talk about.
• At some point, you will have to discuss financial arrangements with your ex-partner. If it is possible to do this before you physically separate, it will make the long-term official separation or divorce procedure more straightforward. There will be financial consequences when a couple divides up joint belongings, assets and liabilities, but emotions could also be affected if things have sentimental value.
• Deciding on living arrangements can also be contentious and stressful for a couple who is separating. If a couple were previously living together, where each partner will live and how they will afford it and whether the couple’s home will be maintained by one party or the other will now need to be considered. These negotiations will be more complex if there are children involved. [O’Hara, L. (2011). When a Relationship Ends: Surviving the Emotional Roller-Coaster of Separation. Dublin: Orpen Press.].

How Can Counselling Help Our Breakup?

A relationship counsellor can help you and your ex-partner evaluate what worked and what did not work in your relationship. Breakups result in a lot of suffering which can lead to the development of misguided beliefs about what went wrong with the relationship. These misconceptions and the hurt that goes with them can stay with us and affect our future relationships. Collaborating with a counsellor to work through the breaking up process will help you to do your own emotional work and more clearly understand the events that led to the ending of your relationship. This work can be done together in a relationship counselling setting or some couples prefer to work on these aspects of the relationship independently with their own private therapist or counsellor. At Relationships Ireland we will be able to accommodate you and whatever works best for your relationship.

What Do We Do If We Believe Our Relationship Is Over?

If you feel that your relationship is deteriorating, or you just want to evaluate the current state of you relationship, you may find that talking with a professional couples counsellor, may be very beneficial. For more information or to schedule a consultation with a qualified relationship counsellor, contact Relationships Ireland on 01 678 5256.

A one hour Couple/Individual counselling session costs €70.00. Relationships Ireland operate a cancellation policy. For more details click here.