A new year .. a new start
Today is the first day back at work for many people. Although the break was welcomed by most at the end of a particularly difficult year for this country, the media was full of news of relationship breakups over the past week - the marriages of Sinead O’Connor and Barry Herriedge, Russell Brand and Katie Perry, the engagements of Westlife’s Brian Feehily and his fiancé Kevin McDaid as well as that of Gethin Jones and Katherine Jenkins.
The freedom from routine as well as making new plans for a new year can bring troubled relationships into question. Historically in Relationships Ireland, the January to March season brings a marked increase in the number of clients who come in and see us with a question mark over the future of their relationship. They ask questions like ‘We fought a lot over Christmas and the only way to get a bit of peace was to not be in the same room at the same time – are we in trouble?’ or a long suffering wife may make a statement like ‘If he is going to continue like that I can’t us staying together’ as well as the more determined ‘that’s it, it’s over – I’ve had enough’.
For whatever reason they come in to see us, they are all looking for change. Whatever is there for them now is no longer bearable and something will have to shift if want to stay in the relationship. Even though an improvement is the desirable outcome, whether it is more time together, better understanding, more sex and attention, etc, will they actually be handle it being different? Because that’s the thing about change … it is awkward … and until it becomes a habit, no one really knows what to do next. If you are in an old pattern of behaving with each other, at least you know how your partner is likely to react if you say or do a certain thing, even if it causes tension and unhappiness between you. How we try to help clients is to break new behaviours down into bite-size pieces and explore the impact of each change no matter how small.
It is typical for us to see one member of the couple attending reluctantly. They may not see any problem or even worse, they are told they are the problem and need to change. We do take their hesitation and concerns seriously and address this from the outset. What is more likely to happen is that both will adjust and make changes to improve their relationship. Sadly, some people come in to see us because they have made the decision to part and want help to get through it. They realise that there may be a bumpy patch ahead or are already going through it and feel that seeking professional help is better, because friends and family can only help so much and out of respect, they don’t want to over-burden other people. They also want to avoid making the same mistakes in other relationships and also, and very importantly, to help their children adjust to separation.
Luckily, at this time of year, we see couples who have got engaged over Christmas and are looking for our unique and practical style of pre-marriage course (one couple-one counsellor). Over 90% of our pre-marriage courses are recommended by people who have done it through us and we are very proud of this. All of our skills, experience and training are used in these courses to help the couple prepare for hopefully a long and happy life together.
Happy new year to all!
Submitted by Lisa O’Hara
