The stress of the recession on relationships
It’s very hard for even the strongest of relationships to remain on an even keel when there is so much uncertainty at the moment. Stress levels are up and bank balances are down. Listening to the radio this morning and couldn’t tune out the doom and gloom air surrounding our forthcoming budget. Even though we don’t know yet what’s in store, it seems like it will get us one way or the other. Many are already stretched to the limit, many have nothing at all and the prospect of Christmas is a miserable one for more people than I’d care to mention.
I’m noticing in the last year a greater increase in people coming into the counselling room who are on anti-depressants … who can blame them? It’s hard to keep your brain from spiralling into negativity when there seems to be little or no hope on the horizon.
The effect this has on marriages and relationships has consequences too. We may fail to appreciate our partner’s efforts, not have smiled at them in days, not had sex in weeks or months or longer … isolating them and ourselves because there is so much misery. It can all become too much of an effort to stay close to each other. There’s little or no fun and intimate moments are a thing of the past.
Relationships Ireland is shortly running a campaign on how to be generous without it costing a cent. It’s not about home-made presents and cards, although they are usually appreciated when you feel the love behind them. It is really about taking a moment and considering what matters to you in your relationship and what your partner likes that you can do for them to help you get through this recession. Life is tough and even tougher still if you feel you’re on your own … it’s important for lovers to stay connected, even if they mess up sometimes and lose their temper or reject you somehow with a look or a gesture. Consider what they used to do that made you feel warm inside … was it a look, a smile, a hug, emptying the dishwasher, snuggling up, sex in the morning or taking the kids away for the afternoon and giving you a break? Was it their encouraging words ‘well done, I’m really proud of you’, their faith and trust in you, or the way they spoke about you to others that made you bask in the glow of their love and admiration?
Love, if there is a shred of generosity left, costs nothing financially but may feel like a big effort emotionally especially if you feel you aren’t getting on well at the moment, or haven’t been for a long time.
A gesture, a few words, a kind look or a smile can change someone’s day and you might feel good yourself at having made a difference. And best of all, it’s free!!!
Submitted by Lisa O’Hara
Separation - The Silent Grief
Delighted to see ‘The End of A Relationship – Surviving the Emotional Rollercoaster of Separation’ will be hitting the bookshops this week. Being a largely Catholic country where ‘I do’ means ‘I will … for life’, making the decision to separate is one that still isn’t taken lightly – it still carries some stigma, although less so these days but what cuts far deeper into a person’s soul is their sense of failure and shame that such a significant relationship didn’t work out.
Many clients come to us when their feelings have changed and they don’t know if they can get them back (ever hear that expression ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you?). Sometimes those passionate feelings come back when we figure out why they disappeared, but sometimes they don’t. When that happens we’re faced with a decision to stay or to go and neither is an easy path – both will have their despairing moments.
Right now, there are many people who can’t afford to physically separate and I wonder if it is possible for them to emotionally separate when their world stays exactly the same, more or less? Is it really possible to move on when it’s rare, if it exists at all, for two people to want to separate at exactly the same time?
If your identity has been largely determined by being someone’s partner and they are now gone, who are you now? If you had particular roles, who will take on your ex’s role? Or will you have to do everything yourself? In some ways this can be quite liberating (although you will be very busy). Without someone else to let you down (when they disappoint you by not performing as expected) you can just get on with things …. but you may still miss not having them around and may question whether it was the right thing to do (if you were the one to leave), or wonder over and over again what you did wrong, and what can you do to fix it (if you were the one left behind).
Children and other family members as well as friends of the couple are also affected. Not only are they asked to support and encourage the grieving separated person, but they may also be grieving themselves and not know how best to help. They may not agree with the separation and yet want to be there as a support – it can get very confusing for everyone at times, especially in the beginning.
I have tried to touch on the most common experiences that separating people and their families and friends encounter. Fortunately, many gave me permission to use their stories to highlight what it’s really like and what helped and hindered. I hope if you are using the book to get some tips, that their stories will be of help to you.
There is life after separation, even if it doesn’t seem so at the time. It is a journey, not an event. It will take much longer than you could even realise and I am glad to see that it is becoming more widely regarded as a serious grieving process, where those going through it will need ongoing support and understanding for quite some time.
Submitted by: Lisa O’Hara
Love on the internet
FINDING LOVE ON THE INTERNET
I really like Orla Barry’s recent response to a reader’s problem about meeting someone online (see http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/independent-woman/love-sex/orla-barry-how-long-should-i-wait-to-meet-my-internet-love-in-the-flesh-2900945.html). It used to be the case that having to resort to online dating was a last ditch effort to meeting someone and was viewed as something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. However, it would seem that by and large, the stigma associated with meeting someone this way is diminishing and many singles find themselves using it as part of their dating experience at some point.
It can be great fun but Orla is right – you really do not know who is on the other end of the screen and their own motives for being there. It would seem that there are many people using these sites who are in relationships but it’s gone stale, and are looking for excitement elsewhere, maybe with the intention of finding new love before ending the old relationship or just for a bit of fun on the side.
However, the reader who wrote to her seemed genuine in her quest for love following the end of a relationship but in the absence of meeting up with the man she is interested in online, it will be impossible to get some sort of handle on who he really is and her imagination has taken over. It’s the same as the experience we often have when we meet someone who ‘shows promise’ – we like the look of them, the sound of them, their smell, and other aspects of this person that may be more subtle but somehow grabs our interest and makes us want more.
Chemistry can be built on yearning for something that is just out of our reach. It creates desire and a need in us to be satisfied. Without trivialising chemistry, it is similar to wanting something new that we can’t afford yet or that’s not yet available like that fabulous handbag/pair of boots/golf clubs/electronic goods/flashy car. It’s hard to keep common sense to the fore and not to let chemistry take over – it is after all intoxicating and full of promise. It can also be addictive as our bodies become flooded with chemicals that induce that electrical feeling.
It is lovely to fall in love again. To believe that there is someone else out there gives us hope and vitality. It engages all our senses. But perhaps before we fall for someone, check with yourself are you getting what you want or are you settling for the promise of something that has little bearing on reality?
Submitted by Lisa O’Hara whose book ‘The End Of A Relationship - Surviving The Emotional Rollercoaster Of Separation’ (Orpen Press) is out in November 2011.
Loneliness in marriage
There is an assumption that being in a committed relationship, or being married, somehow guarantees against loneliness. Many people want and appreciate the companionship and the assurance of knowing somebody is there. Yet as a counsellor I am often struck by the deep level of loneliness experienced by people in relationships. Many of my clients report that there is no lonelier place than being in a loveless relationship and I am constantly struck by the need to address this very real problem. But for many people in this situation the question is, who do you talk to - who will listen/ Too often, around relationships issues, there is an unspoken form of censorship going on in society with a reluctance to talk about ‘the elephant in the room’ loneliness in the relationship. It’s important people start speaking about issues such as loneliness in their relationships, that they ‘come out’ and say “I’m not happy, and I’m not going to tolerate this anymore”. Christmas is coming in the next short while and we will have the great and the good telling us about and extoling the virtues of family life. How hollow that sounds to those people longing for the warmth of human kindness not only at Christmas, as if one dinner , a mince pie , and a glass of wine makes up for the heartache of the other 364 days. So you may ask what can you do of you ae in this situation. Speak about your loneliness. Don’t just smile and let people think all is well. Your partner also needs to know the depth of your despair. As the ancient poem ‘Desiderata’ states “many fears are borne of fatigue and loneliness”, How true! Sharing this feeling can be of help. The longer silence goes on the more you begin to believe you are of no use to yourself or anyone else. This is particularly acute if you are in a loveless relationship, made even more unbearable at the ‘festive ‘ season. Men often lose out in this area. It is more socially acceptable for two women to be able to sit at a table and converse about their concerns, in difficulty situations maybe even hold hands. Many men even in committed relationships have no comforting touch available to them. They may make light of their situation, but we know that male suicide is closely related to relationship difficulties. After all what is suicide but a cry from someone in a lonely place. A lot is said about ‘communication’, or the lack of it. There is a dearth of real genuine feeling around. Yes we can all say the words, some are better at it than others but sometimes touch can communicate this much better. That is why just holding someone’s hand ‘says’ more than a thousand words. We instinctively hold out our hand - children and babies do it all the time. Hold someone’s hand. They may need it more than you know - even if you are married. Maybe just linking our partners arm as you walk along can be very comforting and can change their day for the better. Don’t be afraid to make someone happy through reaching out- especially your partner!
Impact of infidelity on trust
Betraying our partner’s trust is one of the most devastating things we can do to another human being. Our lives are based on trust. When we commit to another our trust is unconditional. That is why when we are betrayed in our intimate relationship it is so traumatic. Most of us long for that free and easy unconditional trust we enjoyed at the start of our relationship. Some of us still have it. We need to listen carefully to our partner’s worries and insecurities – we all have some insecurity despite the outward appearence of confidence and jolity. We need to be reassured in both word and deed. The opportunity to betray our partner has never been easier. Hence the need to listen and reassure. This is about a profound respect for another human being. We need to think deeply about our beliefs and values. Using terms like ‘playing off side/ playing away’ etc is an easy way of minimising what is the ultimate act of betrayal. We all need to reflect on our behaviour and be honest with ourselves and our partner. If we feel we cannot remain faithful we must say so and maybe realise we still have some growing up to do and talk to someone about where our life is actually going.
