Waiting for something to happen
We wait and we wait, and still nothing happens! He doesn’t say sorry, and she doesn’t reach out a hand in friendship. I ask you, and yes, challenge you, who will do something to break the atmosphere if not you. ’Why should I’? you say. Sounds a bit like the school playground! We don’t feel better behaving in this way, in fact it makes us feel depressed and physically unwell. But still we persist doing the very things that don’t help and make things worse.
Too often clients attend counselling expecting the counsellor to do ‘the magic’ – to make something happen. Little do they know they possess ‘the magic’. They have that unique ability to change not just themselves, but the lives of others as well.
We wait to be happy, not knowing that with the smallest change we will realise that the happiness we seek was there all the time . We feel uplifted when we help our loved ones feel a little less lonely. We feel more ‘whole’ when we see again that glint in our loved one’s eye. I, of course, do understand that it isn’t always that easy, close relationships never are. But we can try to make them less difficult with a smile and a commitment to work some ‘magic’ of our own – NOW!
The adult children of separating parents
Was on The Late Lunch on LMFM last Friday to talk about ‘When a relationship ends – overcoming the emotional rollercoaster of separation’ which was published last November. Separation is such a complex issue to discuss in such a short time and anyone who has gone through it will say it takes a lot longer to get over than they thought possible. Although I have done a number of interviews on the topic, this interview was different because it touched on the experience of the adult child/children of separated parents.
These ‘children’ may be aware that their parents aren’t getting along (or maybe not) but somehow the news of the split can be devastating to them. What does seem common enough is the sense of having to take sides and avoiding conversations about what is going on with the other parent to which they may be privy. What also tends to be part of the territory is becoming a confidante to one or both parents as they are working through their grief and ordinarily, this might be seen as providing support and understanding to a family member in difficulty. However, the grief of the child, adult or not, can go underground as attention is focussed on the separating parents.
Many adult children whose parents have separated recall that initial time afterwards as very confusing – rushing in to help, being available 24/7, trying to reconcile their parents in some cases and becoming a type of mediator, or feeling under pressure to ‘talk sense’ into one or both. The amount of energy that is taken up into caring for someone and witnessing their pain means that the child’s own grief can be ignored until something happens, like getting depressed themselves, or having panic attacks, getting sick or even their own relationship becoming adversely affected.
If you are an adult child of a separated couple, you have a right to grieve for what has happened. Although you are still a family, the way it works has now changed. As a separated couple, your parents may compete for your company, your support and your advice and you may find yourself torn. It can become overwhelming and your desire may then be to withdraw totally. Please remember your parents are adults and they will adapt – it is not your responsibility to make it better. You have a right to love both, support both and spend time with both as you wish. And even if you feel it is better that they separate, it’s still okay to be cut up about it, because it is your grief too.
Submitted by: Lisa O’Hara, Relationship Counsellor and author of ‘When a relationship ends – overcoming the emotional rollercoaster of separation
A new year .. a new start
Today is the first day back at work for many people. Although the break was welcomed by most at the end of a particularly difficult year for this country, the media was full of news of relationship breakups over the past week - the marriages of Sinead O’Connor and Barry Herriedge, Russell Brand and Katie Perry, the engagements of Westlife’s Brian Feehily and his fiancé Kevin McDaid as well as that of Gethin Jones and Katherine Jenkins.
The freedom from routine as well as making new plans for a new year can bring troubled relationships into question. Historically in Relationships Ireland, the January to March season brings a marked increase in the number of clients who come in and see us with a question mark over the future of their relationship. They ask questions like ‘We fought a lot over Christmas and the only way to get a bit of peace was to not be in the same room at the same time – are we in trouble?’ or a long suffering wife may make a statement like ‘If he is going to continue like that I can’t us staying together’ as well as the more determined ‘that’s it, it’s over – I’ve had enough’.
For whatever reason they come in to see us, they are all looking for change. Whatever is there for them now is no longer bearable and something will have to shift if want to stay in the relationship. Even though an improvement is the desirable outcome, whether it is more time together, better understanding, more sex and attention, etc, will they actually be handle it being different? Because that’s the thing about change … it is awkward … and until it becomes a habit, no one really knows what to do next. If you are in an old pattern of behaving with each other, at least you know how your partner is likely to react if you say or do a certain thing, even if it causes tension and unhappiness between you. How we try to help clients is to break new behaviours down into bite-size pieces and explore the impact of each change no matter how small.
It is typical for us to see one member of the couple attending reluctantly. They may not see any problem or even worse, they are told they are the problem and need to change. We do take their hesitation and concerns seriously and address this from the outset. What is more likely to happen is that both will adjust and make changes to improve their relationship. Sadly, some people come in to see us because they have made the decision to part and want help to get through it. They realise that there may be a bumpy patch ahead or are already going through it and feel that seeking professional help is better, because friends and family can only help so much and out of respect, they don’t want to over-burden other people. They also want to avoid making the same mistakes in other relationships and also, and very importantly, to help their children adjust to separation.
Luckily, at this time of year, we see couples who have got engaged over Christmas and are looking for our unique and practical style of pre-marriage course (one couple-one counsellor). Over 90% of our pre-marriage courses are recommended by people who have done it through us and we are very proud of this. All of our skills, experience and training are used in these courses to help the couple prepare for hopefully a long and happy life together.
Happy new year to all!
Submitted by Lisa O’Hara
Relationships Gifts at Christmas
Continuing the theme of keeping relationships healthy during difficult times, a group of counsellors came together recently and tried to pinpoint exactly what made happy relationships, what are the qualities that people tell us they value, that make them feel loved and that they try to encourage in their partner or try to do themselves to show love and affection.
Relationships gifts are not something that are wrapped in glittery expensive paper and tied up with an extravagant bow. Rather, they are something much more sensual, as in a warm feeling or an inner glow that comes from giving and receiving which nourishes our vitality and makes us feel alive and more deeply connected to another. It is surprising how the small things are what really matter to love. It is the gift of time, even if it is a few minutes to say hello and kiss in the morning before you face the rest of the world in the form of children and/or work, etc. Or it is the considering of your partner’s need for space or time to themselves and offering this to them – time free of children, housework and other responsibilities. It is giving them the message that you care about them as individuals and not just as a mother/father/provider/housekeeper and so on.
It is appreciating their efforts and noticing by thanking them. It is the smile or laugh from you to him or her that tells them you like being in their company. There’s something quite special about knowing that you’re respected and loved.
Being intimate isn’t just about sex, although that is a component that is important to most relationships. The energy that is required to survive the fast pace of life today does unfortunately mean that sex has a tendency to slide down the list of priorities. Not only does sex take a back seat, but what can also be missing is when you don’t even have time to look in each other’s direction when talking. It is lovely to take even just a moment to hug, cuddle, kiss – to connect with each other physically – it only adds to the closeness and can be a uniquely comforting and reassuring experience.
Although Christmas can be hectic and stressful, we urge people to take time to recognise that a stable, sustaining relationship, although it doesn’t have to cost anything monetarily, is in fact, priceless.
Submitted by: Lisa O’Hara
The stress of the recession on relationships
It’s very hard for even the strongest of relationships to remain on an even keel when there is so much uncertainty at the moment. Stress levels are up and bank balances are down. Listening to the radio this morning and couldn’t tune out the doom and gloom air surrounding our forthcoming budget. Even though we don’t know yet what’s in store, it seems like it will get us one way or the other. Many are already stretched to the limit, many have nothing at all and the prospect of Christmas is a miserable one for more people than I’d care to mention.
I’m noticing in the last year a greater increase in people coming into the counselling room who are on anti-depressants … who can blame them? It’s hard to keep your brain from spiralling into negativity when there seems to be little or no hope on the horizon.
The effect this has on marriages and relationships has consequences too. We may fail to appreciate our partner’s efforts, not have smiled at them in days, not had sex in weeks or months or longer … isolating them and ourselves because there is so much misery. It can all become too much of an effort to stay close to each other. There’s little or no fun and intimate moments are a thing of the past.
Relationships Ireland is shortly running a campaign on how to be generous without it costing a cent. It’s not about home-made presents and cards, although they are usually appreciated when you feel the love behind them. It is really about taking a moment and considering what matters to you in your relationship and what your partner likes that you can do for them to help you get through this recession. Life is tough and even tougher still if you feel you’re on your own … it’s important for lovers to stay connected, even if they mess up sometimes and lose their temper or reject you somehow with a look or a gesture. Consider what they used to do that made you feel warm inside … was it a look, a smile, a hug, emptying the dishwasher, snuggling up, sex in the morning or taking the kids away for the afternoon and giving you a break? Was it their encouraging words ‘well done, I’m really proud of you’, their faith and trust in you, or the way they spoke about you to others that made you bask in the glow of their love and admiration?
Love, if there is a shred of generosity left, costs nothing financially but may feel like a big effort emotionally especially if you feel you aren’t getting on well at the moment, or haven’t been for a long time.
A gesture, a few words, a kind look or a smile can change someone’s day and you might feel good yourself at having made a difference. And best of all, it’s free!!!
Submitted by Lisa O’Hara
