Disposable relationships / Disposable people
We are living in an age where almost everything is disposable. It appears, even in these cash strapped days that we dispose of more items than we save.
Can the same be said of our relationships?
Recent research (2011) suggests that by 2025 the average length of a marriage will be only 10 years. This is a frightening statistic when we consider that the average age of a couple getting married is 30 years of age. Potentially we could get married 3 or more times in our lifetime if those predictions turn out to be correct.
Much is said about commitment in the world of relationships. Many are accused of failing to commit or are accused of being frightened of ‘intimacy’, manifesting itself in a fear of commitment. We all need to review our attitudes and beliefs around this subject.
Maybe we are becoming less used to committing to anything long term. In the last few years studies have shown our attention span is reducing. Many of us just ‘switch off’ if we feel the subject is boring. You may well find this article/ blog boring. We want instant answers and instant solutions. If we don’t get that we dispose of the article or move to another more ‘interesting’ web site.
The same rationale applies to our relationships. Maybe if we find our partner increasingly boring or dull, we press the delete button in our heads and switch off. We appear to no longer tolerate ‘good enough’, and too often demand and expect perfection. Businesses market 100% satisfaction guaranteed as a sales promotion tool. Unrealistically we expect that same level of perfection from our partner.
US research shows that 35% of marriages end within the first 5 years.
In Ireland the prediction is, based on current figures, that the divorce rate will reach 20% in the next few years. Some will argue that this demonstrates the disintegration of society and others will argue that at last couples are now not prepared to live in misery. Some will say that young people to-day have no ‘staying power’ and are not prepared to ‘work’ at their relationship.
Whatever the answer this situation leaves many sad and confused about their lives. This is why we do need to reappraise our view about relationships and their place and worth in to-days fast moving and increasingly ‘disposable’ society.
The adult children of separating parents
Was on The Late Lunch on LMFM last Friday to talk about ‘When a relationship ends – overcoming the emotional rollercoaster of separation’ which was published last November. Separation is such a complex issue to discuss in such a short time and anyone who has gone through it will say it takes a lot longer to get over than they thought possible. Although I have done a number of interviews on the topic, this interview was different because it touched on the experience of the adult child/children of separated parents.
These ‘children’ may be aware that their parents aren’t getting along (or maybe not) but somehow the news of the split can be devastating to them. What does seem common enough is the sense of having to take sides and avoiding conversations about what is going on with the other parent to which they may be privy. What also tends to be part of the territory is becoming a confidante to one or both parents as they are working through their grief and ordinarily, this might be seen as providing support and understanding to a family member in difficulty. However, the grief of the child, adult or not, can go underground as attention is focussed on the separating parents.
Many adult children whose parents have separated recall that initial time afterwards as very confusing – rushing in to help, being available 24/7, trying to reconcile their parents in some cases and becoming a type of mediator, or feeling under pressure to ‘talk sense’ into one or both. The amount of energy that is taken up into caring for someone and witnessing their pain means that the child’s own grief can be ignored until something happens, like getting depressed themselves, or having panic attacks, getting sick or even their own relationship becoming adversely affected.
If you are an adult child of a separated couple, you have a right to grieve for what has happened. Although you are still a family, the way it works has now changed. As a separated couple, your parents may compete for your company, your support and your advice and you may find yourself torn. It can become overwhelming and your desire may then be to withdraw totally. Please remember your parents are adults and they will adapt – it is not your responsibility to make it better. You have a right to love both, support both and spend time with both as you wish. And even if you feel it is better that they separate, it’s still okay to be cut up about it, because it is your grief too.
Submitted by: Lisa O’Hara, Relationship Counsellor and author of ‘When a relationship ends – overcoming the emotional rollercoaster of separation
A new year .. a new start
Today is the first day back at work for many people. Although the break was welcomed by most at the end of a particularly difficult year for this country, the media was full of news of relationship breakups over the past week - the marriages of Sinead O’Connor and Barry Herriedge, Russell Brand and Katie Perry, the engagements of Westlife’s Brian Feehily and his fiancé Kevin McDaid as well as that of Gethin Jones and Katherine Jenkins.
The freedom from routine as well as making new plans for a new year can bring troubled relationships into question. Historically in Relationships Ireland, the January to March season brings a marked increase in the number of clients who come in and see us with a question mark over the future of their relationship. They ask questions like ‘We fought a lot over Christmas and the only way to get a bit of peace was to not be in the same room at the same time – are we in trouble?’ or a long suffering wife may make a statement like ‘If he is going to continue like that I can’t us staying together’ as well as the more determined ‘that’s it, it’s over – I’ve had enough’.
For whatever reason they come in to see us, they are all looking for change. Whatever is there for them now is no longer bearable and something will have to shift if want to stay in the relationship. Even though an improvement is the desirable outcome, whether it is more time together, better understanding, more sex and attention, etc, will they actually be handle it being different? Because that’s the thing about change … it is awkward … and until it becomes a habit, no one really knows what to do next. If you are in an old pattern of behaving with each other, at least you know how your partner is likely to react if you say or do a certain thing, even if it causes tension and unhappiness between you. How we try to help clients is to break new behaviours down into bite-size pieces and explore the impact of each change no matter how small.
It is typical for us to see one member of the couple attending reluctantly. They may not see any problem or even worse, they are told they are the problem and need to change. We do take their hesitation and concerns seriously and address this from the outset. What is more likely to happen is that both will adjust and make changes to improve their relationship. Sadly, some people come in to see us because they have made the decision to part and want help to get through it. They realise that there may be a bumpy patch ahead or are already going through it and feel that seeking professional help is better, because friends and family can only help so much and out of respect, they don’t want to over-burden other people. They also want to avoid making the same mistakes in other relationships and also, and very importantly, to help their children adjust to separation.
Luckily, at this time of year, we see couples who have got engaged over Christmas and are looking for our unique and practical style of pre-marriage course (one couple-one counsellor). Over 90% of our pre-marriage courses are recommended by people who have done it through us and we are very proud of this. All of our skills, experience and training are used in these courses to help the couple prepare for hopefully a long and happy life together.
Happy new year to all!
Submitted by Lisa O’Hara
Separation - The Silent Grief
Delighted to see ‘The End of A Relationship – Surviving the Emotional Rollercoaster of Separation’ will be hitting the bookshops this week. Being a largely Catholic country where ‘I do’ means ‘I will … for life’, making the decision to separate is one that still isn’t taken lightly – it still carries some stigma, although less so these days but what cuts far deeper into a person’s soul is their sense of failure and shame that such a significant relationship didn’t work out.
Many clients come to us when their feelings have changed and they don’t know if they can get them back (ever hear that expression ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you?). Sometimes those passionate feelings come back when we figure out why they disappeared, but sometimes they don’t. When that happens we’re faced with a decision to stay or to go and neither is an easy path – both will have their despairing moments.
Right now, there are many people who can’t afford to physically separate and I wonder if it is possible for them to emotionally separate when their world stays exactly the same, more or less? Is it really possible to move on when it’s rare, if it exists at all, for two people to want to separate at exactly the same time?
If your identity has been largely determined by being someone’s partner and they are now gone, who are you now? If you had particular roles, who will take on your ex’s role? Or will you have to do everything yourself? In some ways this can be quite liberating (although you will be very busy). Without someone else to let you down (when they disappoint you by not performing as expected) you can just get on with things …. but you may still miss not having them around and may question whether it was the right thing to do (if you were the one to leave), or wonder over and over again what you did wrong, and what can you do to fix it (if you were the one left behind).
Children and other family members as well as friends of the couple are also affected. Not only are they asked to support and encourage the grieving separated person, but they may also be grieving themselves and not know how best to help. They may not agree with the separation and yet want to be there as a support – it can get very confusing for everyone at times, especially in the beginning.
I have tried to touch on the most common experiences that separating people and their families and friends encounter. Fortunately, many gave me permission to use their stories to highlight what it’s really like and what helped and hindered. I hope if you are using the book to get some tips, that their stories will be of help to you.
There is life after separation, even if it doesn’t seem so at the time. It is a journey, not an event. It will take much longer than you could even realise and I am glad to see that it is becoming more widely regarded as a serious grieving process, where those going through it will need ongoing support and understanding for quite some time.
Submitted by: Lisa O’Hara
Why Breakups Happen
When we find ourselves falling in love, it can be exciting and anxiety-inducing at the same time. What I mean by this is that we open our hearts to someone and yet by doing so, we are now vulnerable to them. It can feel like we have no power to do anything other than fall headlong in love. It’s very powerful and we find ourselves thinking of them constantly and miss them terribly when we are apart. When the ‘I love you’ words are blurted out, it can be a relief yet quite lovely to be on the receiving end, especially if you feel the same way. These early days of love are magical especially when we believe that we might have met ‘THE ONE’. They seem perfect to us and it doesn’t seem possible that we can’t ever see the feelings we have now changing.
It could be said that the more we have in common with someone, the better the chance of connecting with them – it is our differences that cause problems. Sometimes it can be expectations i.e. that we want our partner to be someone they’re really not, but in the early days, we may ignore the signals in deference to staying immersed in that blissful ‘in love’ state. I heard someone say once that you should never marry someone before you have done all the seasons with them at least once. There is some sense to this as it gives us a chance to see people have birthdays, anniversaries, and experience them through the four seasons as well as sharing a decent amount of time with them and getting to know them better.
However, it’s impossible to anticipate whether a couple will last the distance and be together forever. People stay in relationships for lots of reasons. Even if they no longer love each other, they may decide to remain as a couple because they couldn’t see themselves any other way, or perhaps for the sake of their children, their religious beliefs, financial restrictions, etc. But for some, they see no other option but to go their separate ways. It can be an agonising decision and one that is rarely made lightly and usually liberally dosed with fear – fear of losing children, home, income, status, friends, family, etc.
Some people will say that they don’t know what exactly went wrong – it could have been a number of reasons. Maybe there’s been an affair (but this in itself is a symptom of a deeper issue) and one or both parties decide it is now over. Others will say it was a gradual drifting apart over time and recent research tells us that this is now the most common reason for couples to split up.
Separating is one of the most stressful experiences that a human being can face and people need a lot of support during this time. It can take years to get over it and if you have children together, you will continue to have life long bond with your ex-partner. Even if you have separated, you are still a family and that doesn’t change. Every year, we see many people, both as couples and individuals who are at various stages of separating and we encourage people to seek help – your world has been turned upside down and it will take quite a bit of adjustment as you come to terms with what has happened.
Written by Lisa O’Hara, author of ‘When A Relationship Ends – Surviving The Emotional Rollercoaster of Separation’ (Orpen Press)
