Parenting Teens During Relationship Difficulties or Separation
Parenting teens can be a challenging time even when family relationships are reasonably good. When parents are separated or going through their own relationship difficulties the challenges of parenting teenagers can seem insurmountable for all concerned.
The normal developmental tasks for teenagers include a growing individuality and independence. Teens need a secure enough home life for this to be well managed. No couple relationship is perfect – no family is perfect. When there is a ‘good enough and safe enough’ family unit, teens learn from the ordinary muddles & mistakes of family life and they are free to test their own emerging adulthood.
Parental separation means a change in the family constellation - the family unit can be one where parents are living separately and possibly in other relationships. An important factor, especially for teens, is the respect that is shown by each parent for the other parent and for the family unit. Respect means consideration, co-operation, generosity and reliability.
Parenting responsibilities change as children mature and what might have been working well for young children will need to be adjusted for the teen years. A routine where children share time between different homes can become problematic in the teen years. Teens need to develop socially and that entails spending more time with their friends and hobby groups and consequently less time with parents. The weekend and holiday routines will change and teens may choose time with friends rather than with a parent. (If your teen is choosing to spend time with friends instead of with you pat yourself on the back – you’ve probably done a good job!)
The teen years call for generosity and flexibility from parents and agreement about clear rules and boundaries. Changing rules and boundaries becomes an important issue in the teen years and needs negotiation and respect between parents and with teens.
With our Teen Between service we also give teenagers a space to discuss their individual experience of family breakdown and their own particular difficulties living in a situation where parents are separated. There is good information about counselling and Teen Between on our website.
We also offer separation support services which will offer you the help you need should you decide that separation is the best step for you to take. We are trained to work with the emotional impact of separation and divorce. If you attend together or individually for counselling you will find the help you need to express the huge range of feelings, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the confusion, the fear which will, over time, enable you to go your separate ways as amicably as possible. You will find the support to help you through the difficult and complex emotional process until you feel ready to move on.
Post Separation Parenting - Some Important Points
Remember – Teens and young children are far more aware of their circumstances than they let on to be.
- Give age appropriate information – children are less upset and/or anxious if they are informed
- Children often say they are ok when they are not – they try not to upset you further – be observant
- Communicate with each other about parenting – not through your children – they are not your messengers
- Make sure you have discussed information to be given to your children so that they get the same message from both of you
- Don’t compete with each other to be the ‘good’ parent
- Remember the other person is still your child’s parent – treat that parent with respect, in other words treat your ex-partner as you would like to be treated
- No matter how difficult or upsetting things are between you & your ex partner don’t take it out on your children
- Don’t use your child as your ‘confidante’
- Honour arrangements that are made – children are reasonable and flexible when on the odd occasion changes have to be made – they become let-down and distrustful if arrangements are often broken or made difficult by one or other parent
- Make age appropriate arrangements – children grow up and need social time in school and with their friends – make it easy for them
- Consult your children when there are family events and discuss with them how these events will be managed
- Your children will learn the value of compromise from you
- Schools should be given clear information about your separation
- Discuss with the school how you want to manage information / reports etc
- Discuss with your children how they want to manage school events, games, concerts etc
- Your children will probably need time to accept new relationships, they love both of you as parents and find it hard to share the enthusiasm of a parent in a new relationship
- New relationships usually mean new living arrangements and sometimes step siblings and can be a time of increased anxiety for your children
Useful Reading: When Parents Split, Glynis Good
www.blackhallpublishing.com ISBN:978-1-84218-160-7 (Available to buy at our Reception desk)
Tags: parenting, separation support, Teen Between