Love second time around
When I hear the expression ‘hope triumphs over experience’ I am reminded of couples who are brave enough to commit a second time. Many will have had an unhappy first marriage, maybe have been too young or had children without understanding what they were letting themselves in for. Relationships can also die with a whimper because as the couple’s needs changed over the years, they grew apart and found they had very little left in common. The passion they once had is now dead passion and that ‘in love’ feeling barely remembered.
While many people come to counselling at the end of the relationship and only come for a couple of sessions until the worst is over, many more will stay in therapy and take a deeply honest look at what happened, and the role they played in its demise. They become familiar with patterns of behaviour such as ‘when someone gets angry I become anxious and then adopt the role of peacemaker’ and how effective and limiting that may have been to their relationship. As we look at all we are, we become better positioned as individuals when second time love comes knocking at the door.
It becomes clearer about what will work for us and what will upset or distress us. Sometimes when we have an experience of what we don’t want, we find out what it is that we really value and cherish. So when a new person comes into our lives, we can see those qualities more quickly.
Second relationships will often come with the inheritance of the first relationships and by that I mean children and financial commitments, as well as the wider family network e.g. ex-in-laws that are likely to play an important role in children’s lives. These new relationships can’t afford to don the rose-tinted spectacles; they need to be realistic, where children come first. The children may not like your new partner, there may be less money around for treating each other and there may be less time alone which is important for any new relationship. Perhaps in a relationship like this, the extent to which you like and respect your partner becomes critical if the relationship is to continue. The stepmother role is a particularly tricky one and women often say they are under pressure to be liked and approved of by the children, whereas the Dad will often feel caught in the tug of war between the needs of the first family and his new relationships. Without understanding the complexities of being in such a relationship which can take several years to stabilise, the relationship itself can come under pressure.
I would urge any couple who are starting a second relationship to arm themselves with plenty of information about what it is like to be in this type of relationship (where there are children or other commitments from an earlier relationship). That way, there will be few surprises and you will be better equipped to deal with any issues that appear. You are brave enough to try again – give yourself a fighting chance.
Tags: relationships