Loneliness in marriage
There is an assumption that being in a committed relationship, or being married, somehow guarantees against loneliness. Many people want and appreciate the companionship and the assurance of knowing somebody is there. Yet as a counsellor I am often struck by the deep level of loneliness experienced by people in relationships. Many of my clients report that there is no lonelier place than being in a loveless relationship and I am constantly struck by the need to address this very real problem. But for many people in this situation the question is, who do you talk to - who will listen/ Too often, around relationships issues, there is an unspoken form of censorship going on in society with a reluctance to talk about ‘the elephant in the room’ loneliness in the relationship. It’s important people start speaking about issues such as loneliness in their relationships, that they ‘come out’ and say “I’m not happy, and I’m not going to tolerate this anymore”. Christmas is coming in the next short while and we will have the great and the good telling us about and extoling the virtues of family life. How hollow that sounds to those people longing for the warmth of human kindness not only at Christmas, as if one dinner , a mince pie , and a glass of wine makes up for the heartache of the other 364 days. So you may ask what can you do of you ae in this situation. Speak about your loneliness. Don’t just smile and let people think all is well. Your partner also needs to know the depth of your despair. As the ancient poem ‘Desiderata’ states “many fears are borne of fatigue and loneliness”, How true! Sharing this feeling can be of help. The longer silence goes on the more you begin to believe you are of no use to yourself or anyone else. This is particularly acute if you are in a loveless relationship, made even more unbearable at the ‘festive ‘ season. Men often lose out in this area. It is more socially acceptable for two women to be able to sit at a table and converse about their concerns, in difficulty situations maybe even hold hands. Many men even in committed relationships have no comforting touch available to them. They may make light of their situation, but we know that male suicide is closely related to relationship difficulties. After all what is suicide but a cry from someone in a lonely place. A lot is said about ‘communication’, or the lack of it. There is a dearth of real genuine feeling around. Yes we can all say the words, some are better at it than others but sometimes touch can communicate this much better. That is why just holding someone’s hand ‘says’ more than a thousand words. We instinctively hold out our hand - children and babies do it all the time. Hold someone’s hand. They may need it more than you know - even if you are married. Maybe just linking our partners arm as you walk along can be very comforting and can change their day for the better. Don’t be afraid to make someone happy through reaching out- especially your partner!