Top 5 Issues Couples Bring to Counselling (Part 1)

Over the past 50 years we have seen a tremendous range of difficulties and worries brought to us by couples concerned about their relationship. The following are the top five issues that couples bring to our service today. Some of them we have heard from couples right from the beginning and others emerged as roles and expectations in marriages and relationships as they evolved over the years. Most couple cases have two or three issues that are of concern to them when they first come to our service.

Communication problems

Communication issues always featured on our problems list but this category has grown significantly in recent years. The explosive growth of communication technologies such as social networking and smart phones have facilitated the forming of new relationships. However, they have also provided a somewhat unwelcome distraction to the successful maintenance of intimate relationships. We see this reflected in client concerns about avoidance of intimacy and complaints about a more general lack of ‘paying attention’ to what is happening with the other partner.

When criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling become part of a couples preferred communication style, support and understanding break down and a couple can quickly grow apart. Listening with a view to understanding the other party while speaking in a way that is respectful, non-blaming and that facilitates understanding is vital to every couple to avoid damage to a long term relationship.

Sexual Issues

This issue is a perennial concern for couples and features as a high proportion of cases since the early days of the service. This figure reflects not just sexual problems that require sex therapy interventions, but also the fact that passion and desire ebbs and flows in all relationships and the attraction that was there in the early years may disappear as a result of familiarity and habituation.

A lack of desire or intimacy is often a feature when a couple are not getting on and often when other issues in the relationship are resolved sexual intimacy returns. Equally sexual intimacy is one of the most powerful forms of communication in a relationship and when a couple make time for intimacy it can help resolve tensions in the relationship and could contribute to problems.

For younger couple the rise of internet pornography which most young males and females have been exposed to has also raised expectations around sexual experiences and performance that can give rise to sexual difficulties and conflicts. Helping individuals and couples to be relaxed about their sexual performance and make time for closeness and intimacy is an important part of our work.