Some Things Change, Some Things Stay the Same (Part 2)

As part of our 50th Anniversary celebrations, our CEO Brendan Madden has decided to look back at the last five decades to see how exactly relationships in Ireland have changed.

In the second part of this series, we look at the pattern relationships follow today and how the roles within the household have changed.

Picking up on that last point about role demands and expectations, it’s our experience at Relationships Ireland that couples of the current generation simply do not have a standard blueprint to follow as previous generations have had. They therefore find themselves at odds with each other as a result of having new and often unspoken expectations about their roles.

It is no surprise that now more than ever we are finding more people coming to us with challenges in their private life. Marriages and relationships are under enormous strain due to both the long term changes in work practices, workforce participation and organisational structures and the current difficult economic conditions the country finds itself in. We see the impact of this conflict in international statistics where for example in the UK recent research suggest that in 10 - 12 years’ time the average length of marriages there will be 10 years.

Analysis of census data clearly indicates that statistics for relationship breakdown in Ireland are approaching theseinternational norms. The findings of the ESRI’s statistical study on the change in family life released late last year taken with earlier studies from 2010 reveal the tremendous social change that is occurring within families in Ireland. Of particular interest is the central finding of a radical change in traditional gender roles that younger couples in particular are experiencing. The ESRI report reveals that this is especially true for couples under 40 where for the first time ever in Irish census data the female partner now tends to be better educated and have a higher occupational classification than her male partner. This is contrary to ‘traditional’ gender roles where the male partner was regarded as the main breadwinner and the female as the homemaker, whose career was seen as being less economically important.

As a leading relationship counselling service with 50 years of experience in helping couples, we notice that many couples present with difficulties surrounding their more modern roles which are now in conflict with roles carried out by their parents and grandparents. Based on this, younger couples often find themselves in conflict with each other as a result of having unrealistic and often unspoken expectations about their roles. These issues particularly come to the fore when children arrive.

The significant changes highlighted by the report confirm our actual experience in helping couples who experience problems in their relationships. Although these results initially appear surprising, they do reinforce our own experience with clients. Many males clients tell us that they are often confused about their role and worth in their relationship and feel that expectations of their role in the family are different to what they grew up with. Females client on the other hand, especialy those who are also earners in the household and frequently the biggest earner often feel overburdened by the dual roles of being out in the workplace and then coming home to the “second shift” and playing the demanding role of housewife.

These tensions around role demands and expectations are further heightened when children arrive and especially with the 2nd child. It is frequently at this point in the marital lifecycle that we see couples in distress. In many cases unfortunately the relationship or marriage has been further damaged by the couples respond to the challenges that they face in meeting the demands of their work with the competing demands of home life and child rearing.

The key lesson is that the healthy, positive thing for couples to do is to talk about these changes and how they affect their relationship. While many couples feel that their problems are unique to them the ESRI reports referenced below reveals that couples are certainly not alone with these issues.